Today marked the beginning of my 3rd trimester. I started the day excited and stunned at how quickly this pregnancy has flown by, despite some of the odd health blunders I had in the 1st trimester (which were not pregnancy related btw). I am in a desperate search for a Doula right now which is becoming a little frustrating and frightening because I really do not want to go into this birth without one. Before we even left the hospital after my c-section with Mirabelle, my husband and I discussed details about our next birth experience and how we would definitely plan for a VBAC and to hire a Doula. I have put 4 calls into some recommended assistants that have not panned out for one reason or another, and I have two more to call and then I am out of options at this time. EEK!
As today progress, I found myself growing more and more depressed. My mind was churning with terrible thoughts about myself, my capabilities or lack thereof, fears about this upcoming birth, and my shortcomings as a woman (including the roles I fill day in and day out). Tonight I have summed it up to, I am under a deep spiritual attack that will very likely carry on throughout the rest of my pregnancy until I give birth. How I get through this time though is entirely up to me! It doesn’t necessarily mean this has to be a dark season for me…but I have A LOT of pray and work to do in letting go of the past and giving this pending labor over to God to guide me through or everything that I fear that is burdening me today will in fact come to pass.
I am spending more time now reading about birth, I am going to being spending a lot more time praying and meditating on what God wants to teach me and is asking of me and of my body during this season, as well as doing the things to prime my body physically that I have been concerned could be stumbling blocks during my physical labor. In this revelation I have felt a heavy sense of peace and I feel that if I truly move forward in the next few months as a trusting child of God, I will successfully birth as He intends me to. And if I end up in surgery again, I will not be heavy-laden with grief as I fear today. I will have already allowed myself the grace I need, and He will guide my soul to a place of immediate peace and healing.
Now..completely off topic, I realized I haven’t posted any recent pictures of Mirabelle (I think its been a good 6 months!!). So here are a few: