Category Archives: rant

9 months.

Side Note: Just a quick little rant that has nothing to do with my following post..I can’t believe how lame my blog posting frequency has been over the course of the last 6-12 months has been.  I remember a time (definitely pre-babies, but even since) when I used to make blogging a daily priority and now I can hardly scrounge up the time, energy, or thought to post on a monthly basis it seems.  I will occasionally come up with a brilliant topic in my head and think to post later, then talk myself out of it for controversy sake, or I am just simply too tired to complete a coherent thought!

With all that said, I really would like to start posting with MUCH greater frequency as I have said many many other times here before, I just don’t know when I can promise that will be.  I want boldness to be “controversal” in my posts and feel I don’t need to apologize for saying what I want to say.  And I feel that I have grown a lot in the last 9 months in many areas..particularly in the arenas such as birth advocacy and spiritually as a Christian as well.

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My 36 week baby bump!

I can’t believe I am quite literally in the “home-stretch” as some call it!  Our little baby boy is moving and growing like crazy.  I can’t wait to meet him.  I’ve mentioned it before but, since my first birth resulted in an unforseen cesarean, I will be attempting a VBAC this time around.  After much prayer and talk, my husband and I together chose to use an OB who was VBAC-friendly and birth in a hospital.  The truth of the matter is, I would be much more comfortable in the care of a midwife and I think I would be more relaxed and at peace laboring in my home.  However, considering this was my first VBAC, I have never spontaneously labored before (they induced me at 41.2 wks. last preg. because my fluid levels were too low),  and I was diagnosed with Epilepsy since my last pregnancy and have gone through med. changes during the pregnancy, we felt it would be best to have a hospital birth this go around just in case.

I chose my doctor after receiving a glorious recommendation from a friend who was a current patient of hers, who was to deliver her 4th baby with her (3rd VBAC).  In the first several months I thought she was great!  She was upbeat and seemed very positive and encouraging about going forward with the VBAC.  Nearing the end of my 2nd trimester I realized I had forgot to ask some questions of her that I should have probably asked initially (such as, will I be required to have constant or intermittent monitoring, can I labor at home before coming in, and a few others I am forgetting right now).  She then proceeded to act confused and asked if I was even doing a “trial of labor”?  To which I gasped a resounding “YES!…I’m a VBAC.”  She turned around to her screen to double-check her chart and said, “Oh, I guess you are marked down to do a Trial of Labor.”.  I hate that phraseology by the way!!!  I wanted to cry right then and there…I couldn’t believe I had been on this journey for so long with this care provider thinking she knew me, was pro-VBAC, and here she was wanting me to rush into the hospital at the slightest hint of labor, sit there on monitors and hope for the best!  It was that day for the first time I felt she was no longer my partner and care provider in this, but yet another hurdle in this challenging pregnancy/birth that lies ahead.

Yesterday, things got much worse and I left her office in tears and I don’t believe I stopped crying for a good 4+ hours.  Yesterday was my 36 week appointment.  I woke up excited and encouraged!  I woke up thinking, only 1-6 weeks left!  I had a appointment with my doula the following day and was prepared with a few questions for the OB from that meeting.  (Meeting with my doula had me excited about preparing for labor…considering the dream scenario for labor is fun!  Even if you don’t get EVERYTHING you want, its fun to dream and begin to visualize the act of true natural labor.  I am really hoping and praying for an experience more closely matched to what I expected last time and what we discussed this week! ) I knew she would be performing the Beta Strep test that morning so after the routine weight, B/P, fetal HR check, they had me get undressed for the test.  When my OB performed the strep test she decided without warning OR CONSENT to also perform a vaginal exam to check progression and positioning!!  Needless to say, I was NOT happy!  Had she asked, I would have told her NO to performing an exam that early on.  However I would have loved for her to check positioning but obviously that’s not the best way to do that!  And, she has NEVER checked his positioning where as, my midwives last pregnancy were often checking Mirabelle’s positioning by poking and feeling around on my belly.  They could tell me where her legs and butt and head were. The only check my OB seems to ever do is the dumb tape measurement test I believe to be grossly inaccurate (which has nothing to do with positioning) for determining baby’s size..especially since I am a heavier woman.

After she performs these tests on me, she then sits me up and says,

“I need to tell you I am having concerns that your baby might be pretty big.”

I don’t really respond at this point other than a casual nod and maybe a smirk because all I can think is..”ah, the typical line you guys feed women to scare them into C-sections and I’m not buying it..”.

She then says, “I’m not saying we’re looking at a 10 pounder here, but if your pregnancy were to go much further, we could be.”  To which I responded, “You know, they told me a similar thing with Mirabelle. Well, they were saying she was going to be a healthy sized baby 8-9 pounds, and she wasn’t close!”.

Dr. “And how big was she?”

Me: “6 pounds 13 oz., and that was at 41.2 weeks.”

Dr. ” Oh well I can promise you, this baby has already well surpassed that and your only 36 weeks!”

At this point I am pretty sure I have not been shy about rolling my eyes!  To which she tries to make a cutesy joke of saying that I am free to go home and start contracting like crazy and have this baby, the sooner the better for my sake!  I then asked her, “uh, so how long are you going to allow this pregnancy to go?”  She responds with, “Well, normally I let me VBAC patients go to the 41st week but in your case and given the size of your baby, I can’t in good conscious let you go past 40 weeks!”.

This is when I lost it (on the inside that is).  One thing to know about me, I am entirely too quite when it comes to how I feel and when it comes to standing up for myself!  I usually clam up in the moment when I feel attacked or when I should be expressing my feelings or defending my opinions, basically because I go into shock I believe and/or I don’t have the right words or questions to ask until the moment is gone.

This week I am going to write those feelings and questions down and hopefully drag my husband along to my next appointment so I can get all that out with her.  I feel she made a bad assessment about the size of my baby based on a measurement that is going to be inaccurate on a person like myself, and I think she is trying to assert power over me because she doesn’t appreciate the fact that I have been managing my care as much as I have been.  I have refused several tests that most women blindly submit to because they are simply offered to them and pitched as basic prenatal care and I think that bothers her.  There was also an incident where she was listening to baby’s heartbeat on the doppler around 30 weeks and said she could hear hiccups.  After a few minutes she changed her mind and decided it could be a heart murmur and wanted me to submit to an expensive ultrasound to decipher the murmur from hiccups!  She said it wouldn’t change anything about the pregnancy, but I think she was looking for one more thing to write up on my chart to bully me into a planned c-section!

So, with all that hashed out….I now have to find a way to relax enough over the next 4 weeks to actually GO into labor.  I am so tense right now I wouldn’t know how that could happen.  Lots of walks for us and loving my daughter while its just the two of us!  I love being pregnant and I love being a mom…but I will be glad when I am no longer a VBAC advocate from this side of the spectrum.  And, if all goes well, I will definitely be HBAC’ing next time!!

My baby boy @36wks.

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Too “Wasted” to blog!

Just a week ago I was bragging to friends about how I felt we had finally turned the corner in our two-year struggle to get Mirabelle to sleep as normally as possible.  (Obviously as an AP mom I was NOT looking for a “sleep thru the night” infant but by 18 months to two I was hoping to have a girl that had some idea about how to fall asleep and stay asleep for a period of time lasting longer than say 2 hours!  Well, long story short, for a week or more recently she was sleeping truly through the night from 8ish to aprox. 5am and then joining us in our bed for a few more hours of sleep.  This was working out quite nicely!  Then, her her truest form, she changed it up on us once again and she’s back to her regular shenanigans of “hard to get down” and waking up 2-4 times a night.  I know she’s cutting a tooth which would explain the night waking but the getting to sleep part is what is about to drive me INSANE!

Normally my husband will put her to bed at night and they have this whole routine worked out…well, tonight while my husband was out studying for school I had the joy of putting her to bed.  Three hours later and 3 attempts to put what appeared to be a sleeping baby into bed sent me into psychosis!  He just got home and we are now in the 4th hour of trying to get our toddler to bed.  It’s nights like these that I sit and want to cry and wonder to myself “where did we go wrong…am I just the worst mom ever??”.

As I began this journey into the night, I had visions of putting her down for the night and then having a couple hours to myself to blog, clean a couple rooms of the house (I was actually inspired and had the energy to do this which is really rare!!), compare paint samples, etc…  In fact as I was nursing her to sleep I had come up with a great blog entry I wanted to post and I and formulated the entire piece in my head.  I feel like I haven’t had anything of much substance to write lately because I feel so “wasted” and dried up lately but tonight I felt alive.  Well…3 hours of THAT and I can barely remember my home address!!

Even now…the entire time I spent preparing to get in bed to write this post and as I have been typing I have been searching for clues in my subconscious that would help me to remember what I wanted to post on earlier and NOTHING..I remember nothing.  SAD!

Tomorrow is another day.  I just hope we figure out this sleep thing soon because it’s feeling like a slow death at this point for me.  When she was a newborn, infant, even a young toddler…I knew it was all apart of the growing pains of being a new mom and particularly being the type of family we are, but at some point I am going to hit my breaking point.  I can’t imagine spending 3 hours getting her down and tending to a newborn somehow.

AHHHHHHH..I just remembered what I wanted to blog about earlier!!  I am gonna go draft a subject line and blog on it tomorrow.

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And we wonder why its so hard to believe!

To all the athiest, etc.. who read my blog…NO, THIS IS NOT CHRISTIANITY!  When you watch the following video you get a great showing of what Christian hyprocracy is.  Our churchs are FILLED with fair-weather “believers” like this young lady.  Its VERY sad.

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Sick Weekend.

Yep..you get two whiny, “I don’t feel well!” post in a row.  Also, I realized I have neglected my “Snapshot Sunday” regular post now for two weeks straight (if you count today).  Its been a pretty off 2 weeks from a health perspective, not to mention schedule-wise in our household.

With my husband being the lead pastor of a church, Holy Week is THE busiest time on the church calendar (with Advent and Christmas Eve running a close 2nd).  As the week progressed I grew more and more disconnected from him it seemed.  Between meetings, stressing over large “to-do” lists, additional traditional mid-week services, and sermon writing, its been pretty hectic.  Next week doesn’t necessarily get any easier either!  He has tickets to a basketball game till late one night, then out of town all day the next day.  Luckily he has decided to take tomorrow off from work so it will be nice to reconnect and spend some time together then.

Just as he was getting over being sick with a nasty cough, my daughter came down with a stomach bug out of the blue!  This was a first so it caught me off guard when she woke me up in the middle of the night and had thrown up in bed.  She proceeded to throw up another 2 times, going through 2 sets of sheets and 3 pairs of pj’s.  The next day started out pretty well although she was running on a half a tank.  Since she was in good spirits I decided to run a quick errand for the baby shower I was throwing the next day.  When we got home she was red-faced and clammy.  Soon after she filled up her diaper and it was NOT solid!  I quickly changed her and checked her temp. and sure enough she had a fever of 100.1. It didn’t last long and she didn’t have any more dirty diapers.  It seemed her bug went as quickly as it came!

Now I am battling the same tummy bug in combination with my husbands cough!  LOVELY!!  I am ready to get back on a streak of feeling good most of the time.  It seems as though, feeling well is a rare treat in my life these days..and that just isn’t right.

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a sullen girl..no more

SullenIt wasn’t the first time the thought has crossed my mind but today it hit me like a ton of bricks.  Most of the time I find myself tired, haggard, sulking, sad, and looking only at the short-comings of my life.  Lets face it, no matter how wonderful our lives are or how positive our outlook is we all have experienced disappointment, set aside dreams when reality got in the way, or found ourselves unequipped to do the things we desire.  Too often I find myself believing I am somehow unique in this phenomenon and perhaps at times even feeling cursed to fail and miss out on a regular basis.  But, I am not unique.  Even more revealing to me today was that my perception is the only true problem here!

Sure, it would probably make me blissfully happy if my car floorboards didn’t fill with water when it rains (and I live in Houston- rain is not a stranger to these parts), or if I looked different, if I had a bigger house with more storage space so I could put everything in its place and ACTUALLY be able to access it when I need it, or if I had more friends that I could grow close to beyond the superficial level, and the list goes on.  The truth is, I can sit around and wait and hope for these things to happen (some may come and others not) while continuing to greet each day with a frown and a “Just make it to sundown and do it again tomorrow” attitude, OR I can choose to enjoy life in the moment!

I think some people are really good at this and I am lucky enough to have a couple locals that I can look to as an example.  Tonight I have thought of a few specific traits and action steps for making the most out of my life as it stands.

Each morning I wake up when my daughter wakes me up.  I am NOT a morning person so I know I am probably not a very pleasant start to the day for her.  My mind immediately starts churning thoughts of how sleep-deprived I am and how its not going to be a good day unless we can take a nap together in the early afternoon.  This means I am getting a terrible start and setting myself up to fail each and every day!!  From now on I plan to a.) Wake up each morning and SMILE!, then b.) immediately think of a positive thought (such as: the weather is going to be great today, today is playgroup day, how blessed I am to be greeted each morning by such a beautiful smiling girl), and then lastly c.) I will make arrangements to wake up an hour before my daughter so that I can be fresh and ready to handle her morning rush of energy.

As for my daily activities, I will spend more time enjoying my daughter by playing with her and teaching her.  I will also limit errands to no more than 2 stops in one outing and if an outing runs long, I will follow it up with something fun for her (like a stop at the park or an impromptu art project at home). I will use down times when she is napping or free-playing to do something for me whether that be complete a household task, read, sew, etc.. No more TV running constantly for the mere comfort of noise and companionship.  No more quick looks at the internet often will happen anytime I have a moments time.  The computer has clearly become a stumbling block in my relationship with my daughter.  Often if she is playing and finds me once again staring blankly at my laptop she will burst into tears and walk over to me waving her hands saying “no-no”!  Addicted much?  In addition, I will (try) have a peaceful, orderly home and a smile on my face when my husband comes home from his day.

Lastly, I will stop being obsessively depressed about the people and circumstances of my life that I have absolutely NO control over.  I will stop wondering about the 1,000 other paths my life COULD have taken and if the one I am on is the wrong one.  I will remember and fall in love once again with my calling to be the person that I am (or at least the one that I am supposed to be).  I chose my “hat” and its time to start wearing it…without ceasing!

While there is nothing wrong with having dreams, I think something has gone ary when you begin to live for them alone and cease to live in the present.  This is where I have found myself…a sullen girl.  But I refuse to reside here.

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Filed under health, home, life, life as a parent, rant

Dear Daughter, Forgive me.

Loving her first Astros game!

Loving her first Astros game!

It hit me tonight, as I was thumbing through a few local friends blogs who keep long-distance family up to date on their children, I am doing a terrible job at cataloging my daughter’s childhood, particularly through pictures!

I studied photography in college and aspired to start my own business once upon a time.  Shortly after graduating from school I went to work for a local corporate portrait company.  I would travel to preschools with about 500 pounds of equipment in tow and setup a temporary studio, rush though as many toddlers before lunch, pack it up, and do it all over again the next day.  This job drained me physically, emotionally, and creatively!  After 2 years I called it quits.  It was a good year before I ever picked a camera back up again to photograph ANYTHING.  I didn’t even snapshot family events.  Then, when we found out my first born was on the way I knew it was time to dust off the lens.  I had been daydreaming of owning a nice Nikon digital SLR since my college days and when I received some inheritance money within weeks of my due date, I decided the time had arrived to make the purchase.  I hunted down a great deal on a Nikon D-70 and have had no regrets about the purchase.  I have had many regrets though about my loss of knowledge.  I suddenly feels that I have forgotten all I ever knew.  I am not one to work in automatic mode but I find myself often leaning on those dials because I am not balancing my settings as I should.  But. my frustration with my current inadequacies are beside the point.  I am not making it a priority to capture my daughters life on “film” and tonight that is finally breaking my heart.

Now the real question, is it my laziness or could it be because I am keeping life so mundane and unadventursome that I feel there is nothing to capture?  Obviously I do take her in for the occasional portriat (though there is NO reason I couldn’t do those myself) to capture the major milestones and seasons.  I do feel that I spend way too much time running errands and not enough time allowing her to explore her world.  If all she ever sees is her playpen in the mornings (while I get dressed and she watches a movie), her carseat, a shopping cart, a view from her ring-sling, and then a short stent where there is actually time to play in the house while I “get things done”..what kind of a life is that!  She would get more out of daycare honestly if all I am going to do all day is run her around town and do nothing inclusive for her.

This post is starting to become something I didn’t expect… I started to write just to say that I feel I don’t take enough pictures of my daughter, but in writing this I believe I am learning much harder truths about my parenting that are very ugly and bring me much sadness.  I need reformation!  I need to teach, to show, to love, to get in the dirt, go new places that allow her to move and see and touch and explore this great world around her.  Its time to start acting like the kind of MOM I always wanted to be and the kind of MOM she will one day want to emulate.

IT ALL STARTS NOW!

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